I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
this is what they would have looked like, though
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk