Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’m confused about plants
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley