When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Oh my God.