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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Good morning, Twitter x
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Stop sending me this shit.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.