Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
You Might Also Like
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside