ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*