You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?