I hope Alan is OK
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.