Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”