Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.