Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter