Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?