“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
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Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂