i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
You Might Also Like
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
They did not think through this water fountain
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car