Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No