Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
You Might Also Like
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.