I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
.. do you even science?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull