Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.