Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Interior design 👌
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]