Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Just a bush.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket