Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
You Might Also Like
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Natty or not?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”