I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.