Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.