Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.