I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
accurate
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here