I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts