If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”