Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Meow
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet