[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
first you must answer his riddles
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.