Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024