when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
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When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Welcome
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.