[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.