My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.