me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My life in a nutshell
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”