My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
58.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.