The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
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I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
when mom throws a party…
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..