I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out