I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.