People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My teenage children choosing violence
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Imma just leave this here…………
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…