You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
technically true but not a great slogan
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
☺️
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning