INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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I would like even faster food.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Seems a bit forward
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Ghost costume 😂
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!