*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
so weird how every mom was born today
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.