Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Sign at work today
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.