there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My safe word is Worcestershire
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.