Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
those birds must be on payroll
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
🤣🤣🤣
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.