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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Meme Monday.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession