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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
August 8
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My god she’s good.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.