hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
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Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Oops I deleted….
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.