True freaking story!
You Might Also Like
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Eggs are just drums you can only play once