principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.